I've put off writing this post for a while now.
It just all happened so fast.
It was also pretty special and sweet.
Dad's health had been rough for the past 2 years. When I was on study abroad my first time, I got word that he had a major medical scare. He made it through, but had kidney, heart, and lung issues that lingered. He just powered through, as he always did. With his lifelong colitis, dad was never 100%. He just kept going. He'd been on oxygen for almost a year, with some breaks. Most recently, he couldn't get his oxygen under control. Even with oxygen, he was short of breath and lacking energy. One of his doctors suggested he get a bone marrow scan to check on other factors.
So, in early April, dad went in for tests and mid-April found out he had cancer. I went with him and mom to the oncologist appointment on April 15 to discuss treatment options. The oncologist was so nice. He said he wished he had better news, but that treatment would only give dad 6-8 more months. He had acute myeloid leukemia. Without treatment, the doctor gave him 1-2 months. WHAT?! That was very hard to hear. Dad asked a lot of questions about treatment. I was encouraged, thinking he would go that route, even though treatment sounded horrible. It wouldn't be painful, but it was a huge time commitment - daily transfusions one week/month.
Mom finally said "no, we aren't pursuing treatments." I cried and asked her if she was sure. She said they'd already talked about it. Dad agreed. I couldn't figure out why he asked so many questions, giving me hope. I think he just wanted to know all options and all possibilities with each option. His doctor told him to go ahead and cancel his future doctor's appointments. He told dad it had been a pleasure working with him. Dad sincerely thanked him for his care. It was so sad, but so sweet. When dad said "I guess this is the last time I will see you," the doctor said dad could visit anytime. Dad said, "No, I won't waste your time." Just like that, I wheeled dad out of the oncologist office and our next step was to schedule hospice care for dad.
That was a Monday. I had already planned to go to Disneyland with Amy Bowden on Friday, April 19. I went and we had a blast. I'll write about that in another post. I don't totally remember, but I think Karen or Kristen was in town to help mom.
Tuesday, April 16, hospice came to do the intake paperwork. The nurse was so nice. I was at the house a number of times when she came. I never met the nurse assistant or the social worker, but I did meet the chaplain and she was really nice, too. They have great support. They came and helped dad shower, changed sheets on the bed, offered emotional support, etc. The oncologist had told dad he wouldn't be in any pain, which was good.
Mom and dad had a steady stream of visitors once the word got out that he was terminally ill. Derek and Rachel even found time to come and Kelly came. Marie flew from Washington, DC, and James and his family came from Washington State. Jon Amundson came from Washington also. Many Wasdens came, sealers from the Payson temple came, friends from Pleasanton, including dad's receptionist, Debbie Fancher. For the first couple of weeks after his diagnosis, dad was in his wingback chair in the living room, staying busy all day with visitors. He eventually got a bit weaker and moved to his recliner in the bedroom.
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| House full of Crocketts |
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| Mel is always a sweetie and plays with Audrey and Mac |
I remember a really fun day when a bunch of us gathered in mom and dad's room. There were cousins, aunts, etc. Kamiko and Mel were here. Sarah had flown in. Allison was there. They all started trying on dad's clothes. Some of the girls took dad's plaid button up shirts and overalls. Kamiko tried on his suits, and, to our surprise, they fit. He took a suit and some ties. It sounds horrible, but it was so fun to be together and to see the kids connecting with mom and dad. Allison DeVuyst, Kristen and Doug's daughter who lives in Eagle Mountain, wins the prize. She brought over conversation cards and recorded many of the grandkids asking grandpa about memories.
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| This is the only picture I have with dad when he was really sick. It's ok. I didn't really want one. |
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| Me, Erica, and Kelly on a short walk |
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| Me, Mel, Kelly, and mom |
Kelly came for a few days. We had a bit of a crazy morning one day when she was here. She smelled natural gas in the house, so we had to get everyone out of the house. Connor was staying at mom and dad's because he was in between semesters. Connor stayed outside the house at a safe distance to meet the gas company guy. Kelly and I got mom and dad out of the house, going to my house. Dad could barely walk. We had to grab his portable oxygen. He was a bit disoriented. We got to my house and he was WIPED OUT. He was very concerned about his oxygen levels, but hadn't grabbed his oximeter. He was agitated. We finally got him lying down. I fixed eggs and called my former neighbor Lynn to see if she had an oximeter she could bring over. We were at my house for a couple of hours before we got the all clear to go back. Lynn came and dad felt better having checked his numbers. Kelly was GREAT! she kept telling dad that he was going to be ok. She reminded him that it was a lot that he had just been through, and that his breath would catch up, which it did.
That was on Monday, April 22. By Monday, the 29th, dad was much worse. I remember texting Kelly and telling her I don't think we could have gotten dad out of the house - just one week later. He got quite weak. He slept a lot, but still enjoyed visits from family and friends. Mom took lots of pictures. Former Pleasanton ward youth and members came, current neighbors came. Starlyn dropped by. Lee teared up telling Mel he felt bad he didn't go with her. He figured he'd go the next time. They are such sweet friends.
All along, Allison got roped into organizing everything. She started working on funeral plans, who would do what. I had volunteered to write the obituary when it was time. I had a trip to Disneyland planned for late April, after classes ended, and I felt really compelled to get it written before leaving. I emailed it to my siblings, we made some edits, and it was ready. I felt really good about it. It was a great tribute to dad, without being too braggy. One night, dad asked if he could give me a blessing. I sat on the floor at his feet while he sad in his "crib." He told me that my Heavenly Father is aware of me and that I would eventually have the desires of my heart.
So, the semester ended. I attended graduation. I saw some amazing student teachers and interns finish their responsibilities. I told my new SFLSA presidency that my dad was dying. I went to a study abroad reunion. Late April was good, with lots of stops at mom and dad's and lots of time with family.
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| Natalie, me, Dawna, and Chad at graduation |
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| What a group: Michaela, Sierra, Emily, Emily, Maile, Morgan, Chad, Dawna, Natalie, me, and Abigail |
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| Dawna, Natalie, Emily Burdette, and me |
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| Natalie, Maile Fisher, and me |
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| Natalie, Emily Napierski, and me |
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| Oh, my awesome study abroad kids! Eliza, Cami, Emily, Sierra, Audrey, Maile, Emily, Ashley, me, Rennan, Bruce |
Last year, when I went to see Derek and family in April, cute Milo asked if I could come back for his birthday in May. I told him that I couldn't because of study abroad, but that I would come for his 7th birthday. I really wanted to make that happen. I had originally had a plan to travel to California for 3 weeks (Disneyland, Sarah and Cam's, Mike's, Carolyn and Val's, and Kristen and Doug's). With dad's diagnosis, I shortened the trip to include Sarah and Cam's, Disneyland, and Derek and Rachel's.
Before leaving, I had the impression to change the sheets on my bed in case Kristen and Doug came and needed a place to stay. I told her I insisted and that I could sleep in the twin bed in the guest room. Mel was still in the basement. Sarah and Cameron had made a reservation for my basement for a return visit for a funeral. I also planned on going to Disneyland on Wednesday - Friday. I decided to change my flight plans and go to the park on Tuesday. I got to LAX and got my rental car, driving straight to the park. I saw Maria and Sierra Trump for a minute, then went to California Adventure to meet up with John, Syd, and Abby Trump. They were eating lunch. I hung out with them, then Syd and I rode the Silly Swings. She's a fun young lady. I then went over to Disneyland to just hang out. It was a bit sad to be at Disneyland alone, knowing dad was home and sick. I wasn't sure I wanted to spend 2 more days there. I texted Cary Wasden, letting him know I was at the parks. He invited me to join their family for a special dinner and viewing of World of Color. What a blessing that turned out to be. I've known Cary my whole life and I've known Jeannie for years. I had met their daughters, but it was so fun to get to know them better. Rebecca, named after grandma, had multiple strokes at the age of 18, and has some residual brain damage. She is the oldest kid and relies on mom and dad for support. She's a fun gal, and is just a bit slow. Their youngest, Miriam, is fantastic. She is quite the caregiver to Rebecca. We had a delicious dinner in a special patio for annual pass holders, then watched the light show. The last time Cary and I were at Disneyland together was in 1969. I hope we don't wait that long to do it again. I left the park feeling so blessed and happy.
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| Night 1: Pixar Fest |
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1969: Kristen, Kris, Cary
me, Jeff, and Jenny |
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Rebecca, Cary, Jeannie, me
Miriam |
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| I guess I'm stuck riding the teacup ride for dad now |
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| Syd, John, Abby, and me |
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| So fun to catch Maria on the walking path from the parking structure |
Wednesday I met up with my student Abby Richardson and her mom Katy. Katy has an annual pass and bought Abby a pass for Disneyland for the day. We got Genie+ and rode on lots of rides. We talked and talked while waiting in line. It was really a great day. I got to learn about Abby and her family and I got to share about my family. I needed that! I didn't stay too late, because I wanted to get back to Sarah and Cam's to spend time with them. They have turned their guest room into Dana's Disney Den. They even printed out pictures of me at Disneyland through the years. The photos are in the room and the bathroom. I can't express how much fun that is.
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| Love this place |
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| hidden Mickey |
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| Such a fun day! Abbie and her mom |
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| When Cam treated me to a Disney day for watching Stranger Things |
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| Trip with sisters. Disney World with my kiddos |
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| A photo from a trip long ago with my kids |
Thursday I went to Disneyland with plan to just relax and enjoy. I had decided that I would leave the park at a decent hour and drive to Derek and Rachel's. This is a prompting I had on day 1. I asked Sarah and Cam if they would mind if I cut my trip short and asked Derek and Rachel if I could come sooner than expected. I called Kelly in the morning as I was walking around the park and we just talked and talked. I rode favorite rides. I got to meet up with my TAs Thomas and Michaela. Thomas didn't know I was there, but Michaela and I had planned a surprise meet-up. Thomas has been my TA for 4 years and I told him I'll never say "goodbye" because I know I'll see him around. Proof...I see him at Disneyland. I also sat on porch on a house on main street and drank the Dr. Pepper I had brought into the park. It was a lovely day. As I sat on the porch, Miriam Wasden caught my eye. They were walking toward California Adventure, which was where I was going next. I went with them. They were heading to the Animation Academy, which I'd never done before. We learned how to draw Wall-E in a room full of others wanting to escape the heat and learn something fun. I will definitely go back. Rebecca didn't want to do it, so she stayed outside. She steadies herself by walking with an umbrella stroller. It's quite funny, but at least they have a place to put their bags. They all laugh about it. After Animation Academy, we went over to Disneyland to watch the retrieval of the flag, which the Wasdens do every time they go to the parks. It's quite special. The band comes and plays all the songs of the branches of the military. Members of each branch are invited to stand at the flag circle as their song plays. We got to the flag circle on main street about an hour before it started because we wanted a good seat. Persistence paid. I sat by a couple. Rebecca joined me. She and I talked, and the couple eventually moved away. Cary came and joined us. We laughed. Then a bench in the shade opened up. Cary ran and grabbed that. We sang patriotic songs together. Really lovely.
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| Flag retrieval |
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| I drew this! |
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| Miriam, Cary, Jeannie, and me |
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| Michaela, Thomas, and me |
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| Enjoying Pixar Fest - some nice lady took a really good picture |
So, having enjoyed some new Disney experiences with the Wasdens, I left to drive to Derek and Rachel's. There was traffic, which was to be expected, but that's the way it goes in Southern California. Although, I never had traffic issues driving to and from Sarah and Cam's house. Cam says that's the beauty of Southern Orange County.
I was greeted with the usual "Hi grandma Dana" when I entered the Hunter house. Charlie knows who I am. Milo knew I had come to buy him a cake and to celebrate his 7th birthday, although a bit early. I was also excited to see Raine. She was so nice to give me her room. We stayed up and talked. I love spending time with Derek and Rachel. On Friday, while the kids were at school, Rachel and I were talking in the kitchen and Derek was working in his home office. I got a text from mom that said that dad had taken a turn for the worse and they didn't expect him to last more than 24 hours. Derek came out of his office, having received the same text, and that began a day of limbo. We talked, reminisced, and waited. Derek and Rachel had just flown back from being at mom and dad's for 4 days. I saw them briefly, then left for California.
Derek's work had been really understanding of the situation. When the kids got home from school, I took Milo to Ralph's to pick out a cake. He landed on a chocolate/white marble cake with white frosting and sprinkles. There was green decorative frosting on it - his favorite color. Picking out the cake was so cute. Milo considered all flavor combinations. A brand new employee helped us out by picking up a frosting bg and writing Milo on the cake. It was green frosting and Milo was so happy. He also noticed Milo's Minecraft toy and gave him a special Minecraft decoration to put on the cake. We all went out to dinner to celebrate how great the kids had been at their friends' house while their mom and dad were in Utah. After dinner, we ate lots of cake. Why is grocery store bakery cake so good? Derek really didn't want dad to die on May 4, ruining Star Wars Day for his nerdy self.
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| Cute birthday boy |
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| Dinner: Charlie, Rachel, me, Raine, Derek, Milo |
I made plans to take the early flight on Saturday, cutting my trip short. Derek asked me to give dad a kiss on the head from him and Rachel. I was very nervous on the plane. I was worried that I would land to a text saying he had passed. I was very nervous about turning my phone off of airplane mode. There were no messages, so I quickly headed to mom and dad's house. Kristen and Doug were in town, as were Karen and Alan. Jenny was on her way from Africa. Debbie was at mom and dad's, so was Mel. Allison was there. Hunter had just arrived, and Emily was there. I talked to Maria the whole drive from the airport. She understands because her mom just passed from cancer. I told her I wanted to stop and get a soda, but I'd feel horrible if I got there and missed seeing dad by 5 minutes because of it, so I kept driving. I pulled into the driveway and Mel was on the porch. She told me that dad was gone. I missed him by about 20 minutes. I gave Mel a hug and went into the house where everyone was sitting in the living room. I gave Deb a huge hug. Her husband, Mark, is dying of cancer. How will she go through this?
Mel hadn't seen dad yet, so she and I went in the room. He looked so sweet and peaceful. I remember that his mouth was open. His eyes were shut. It wasn't creepy. I gave him a kiss on the head from Derek and Rachel. He and I had both talked about how we hoped he wouldn't need a hospital bed. In the end, they brought a bed in on Friday. With assistance, he got into that bed. He didn't even spend 24 hours in a hospital bed. Hunter arrived right before he passed. Allison and Hunter were in the room when he took his last breath. We waited until hospice came to verify that he was gone. Kristen and mom and I were in the room. It took the nurse a long time of checking vital signs. Kristen and I looked at each other, questioning what was going on. He was gone. He died at 10:30 am. I got to the house at 10:50 am. Mom called Kelly and Derek to let them know. They weren't able to return for the funeral. Both had decided it was best to spend time with mom and dad before his passing.
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| Mel took this sweet picture of mom and dad his last day. Mom has said more than once "I hated that bed!" |
Jon, Marianne, Erica, and Hunter showed up shortly after. Jon said he also arrived after Deck had passed. We didn't have the funeral home remove dad's body until around 5:00 pm. Jenny got in around 2:30. Emily called her and told her the news. Jenny went in the room and spent some time talking to dad. The night dad died, I finally got in bed and Derek and I started texting each other pictures of dad. I cried.
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| Allie, me, dad, Mel, Kamiko walking the streets of Stockholm |
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| Kamiko, Allie, dad, me, and Mel - 2006 |
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| Scout Derek, Kamiko, and me |
I have no regrets about going to California. In fact, my friend Cathy Voorhees said I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I have no regrets about my relationship with dad. It was complicated at times, but he was great. I'm very grateful that I listened to promptings to:
1. Take an early morning flight to California
2. Go to Disneyland the day I arrived and reach out to the Wasdens
3. Cut short my trip to Disneyland and get to Derek's sooner
Thus began the planning of the funeral. There were some hiccups and hurt feelings, but I don't want to dwell on those. Each of us kids spoke. Kelly and Derek sent words to be shared. Allie read Kelly's remarks and Allison read Derek's. Aaron Pyfer, a priest from dad's early days as bishop in Pleasanton, and his wife sang a beautiful number. Mom and dad's neighbor is a graphic artist. She made the most beautiful program that featured a photo Mel had taken of the shop. Their ministering brother, owns a camera shop with a very expensive printer and he printed the programs at no cost. A sweet neighbor made pins with dad's photo on them for us to wear. The neighbors were so good. I was blessed at my house. At one time, I had 7 people sleeping here. We made it work. The Braus brought diner one night. Kim Cassetti, a dear friend from Pleasanton, sent soup and bread, and a sister in my ward brought dinner one night. Work sent the most beautiful flowers. My walking friends and others from AF sent soda, gift cards, and a very special print of Christ and children from all over the world. They also gave me money. I treated Allison to a pedicure last week. She earned it!
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| This was my Cheerios box! |
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| Flowers from work |
Mom and us girls went to the Payson Temple to do sealings on Thursday. That was really special. We also went to dinner together. I don't know how mom did everything. She did great. She's still doing great.
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| Temple: me, Debbie, Karen, Kristen, Jenny, mom |
Kris said that the day before dad died, he told her he didn't think it would be much longer. She told him to go when he needed to go. She told him he didn't have to wait for me and Jenny. He looked off in the distance and smiled. She asked if he was seeing Otto or Allie or John Edward. No answer, but he stared away for a while.
It was a challenge to write my remarks. I had started thinking of what I would say, but it wasn't coming together. I changed plans and switched things up and it came together. I texted Keenan and told him he was welcome to come to the service if he wanted to. I guess he did. He gave Mel flowers and a card to give to me.
Dad chose to be cremated. Kristen and I went with mom to the funeral home on Monday. The nice woman there helped us with everything. She told us that dad "had an appointment on Wednesday at 1:00." I made a note of it so we could be aware of that for mom. We were to pick up dad's remains on Thursday. We had a visitation on Friday evening, May 10, (Kim, Annie, and Corinne from Book Gang, Chelsea Bauer, my director Erin Holmes and her husband came) and the service was Saturday, May 11, at noon. Doug took it upon himself to clean the shop. He spent 4 days cleaning and cleaning, with some occasional help from me, Jenny, Kristen, Emily, and Mel. It took about 40 hours of cleaning and cleaning. Mom was very sad on Wednesday at the designated time. I went into her room and she was crying, wondering if she had done the right thing. She wondered if dad was watching while they burned him. I suggested that he was either with her or out in the shop, supervising the clean up. We were told we could put some items in the box with dad's remains, so we put a cute jar with sawdust, a cute jar with black licorice, his missionary name tag, protocols for cleaning the shop ( Doug found that and suggested it go with dad - we put a photocopy of it in the box). We also typed up all the nicknames of family members and put that in the box.
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| There's always time for a walk: Kristen, Carolyn, Allie, me, and Karen |
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| Doug, Karen, Kristen, me, and Jenny |
I was tasked with taking care of dad. Allie, Kris, Carolyn, mom and I went to pick him up. I put the box in the closet in my sewing room. Allie would go in the room and check on him, telling him goodnight on Thursday. Friday evening she came downstairs and asked "where's grandpa? I went to tell him goodnight and he's not there." I reminded her that Mel would be sleeping in there and asked that he be moved, so Kristen and I had moved him to the laundry room. I'll mention that I was sleeping in my guest room, which actually worked out great. I got back from California and already had all my toiletries, blow dryer, etc. ready to go in the guest bathroom. It really wasn't much of an interruption at all. I love having my house full of family.
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| All the cousins went to dinner on Friday, after the visitation |
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| Allie screamed and woke me up. The northern lights were visible through a camera lens. This is from my backyard. |
Mel got dad's truck. She had asked him for it since she was about 10 years old. She washed the truck and parked it in the church parking lot during the service. We put dad's remains on the seat in the truck. The service was incredible. Lyle Wasden was to say the opening prayer, but Lynn was really sick, so Cary said the prayer. Wow, it was beautiful. He referred to dad as a fierce friend, which he was. Alan did a life sketch that was incredible. Alan is an excellent public speaker and he really put time and thought into his remarks. He told stories that I had forgotten. We laughed as we reminisced.
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| All family gathered before the service |
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Mom with Wasden and Hunter kids. Back row: Debbie, Jen, Chris, Cary, Jeff
Front row: Kristen, mom, me, Karen |
The ward helped serve a lunch. We had Swedish meatballs, mashed potatoes, Lingonberry, rolls, and salad. Lee and Starlyn came and they helped take flowers to mom's after we all left. There are so many details to a funeral. It's exhausting. From the luncheon, we drove to Holden. Kamiko and Mel rode with me. At one point, I received a message in our group text, wanting to confirm that I had dad. Kamiko answered the text that I didn't. Then he immediately corrected it and said that we did have him. It was raining in Holden, but not bad. Doug offered a sweet dedicatory prayer on the site, and he helped mom put dad's ashes in the hole. That was sad. Mom was really clinging to the box when we first arrived and she was given it. She bent down and put her corsage on the box. Everyone had selected a flower from the arrangements and put a flower on the box. The cemetery was nice enough to prep everything for us. They technically closed at 4:00, but we were able to do what we needed and take our time. We filled the hole with dirt and Andrew pounded the grave marker in the ground, making sure it was level. We took a lot of photos. Kamiko wore on of dad's suit and his Swedish tie. He also wore his blue and yellow Nike's for Sweden.
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| Kamiko, giving them the thumbs-up that dad was in my car with us |
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| Mom and the kids that could make it. |
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| Doug really stepped in naturally as the new patriarch. It was really special to see how he took care of mom in his own quiet way. |
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| Allie, me, mom, Kamiko, and Mel. Allie wanted pictures with her sunglasses on because she looked good in them. |
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| Sweet dad with mom's corsage |
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| The orange daisy was mine |
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| Mac and Audrey wanted to help |
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| My sweeties with grandpa |
The day after the funeral was Mother's Day. Kris, Doug, Debbie, Jen, Karen, Kamiko, Bekki, Mel, and I all went to sacrament meeting with mom. Mel had spent 2 days making a special jacket for mom. She made it out of mom and dad's wedding quilt that had been made by dad's grandmother. It was a work of art and mom was so excited to get it. She shows it to everyone.
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| Doug, Kristen, Karen, mom, Debbie, me, Jenny |
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| The jacket...there was enough quilt for Mel to make herself a matching jacket. Can you believe it? |
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| MY LIFE! Mel, Bekki, me, Kamiko, Allie |
It's strange to not get calls from dad, but it seems like it's how things are supposed to be. We all have to go sometime. Dad certainly picked the best way to do it...just enough time to visit with people, not much pain, and in the spring. Allie was so glad we didn't have to do a burial in the winter. I agree. After Holden, Jenny got pizza at the house she was staying in and we spent the evening together.
Uncle Mike came the week after dad died. He and mom had some great chats. It was sweet to see them hug each other before he left. I think it was a very meaningful visit for both of them. Mike has always said he doesn't remember a time when dad wasn't a part of his life. So, gradually life goes back to normal. I had work meetings, I didn't drive constantly to and from the airport, and my house emptied out. Just like that, there is a new normal. I think dad would be happy at how we are navigating it, though.
